Part 1.

The past series at NP/NIGHTS was all about the voices you hear or have heard before. So I thought it would be fun/healing to discuss some of the voices I’ve heard in the past. These voices have been replaced by new ones (thank God), but none the less they were reality at one point in my journey.

Lemme set the scene: sophomore in college. I was dating someone I shouldn’t have been (more reasons then one) and doing things I shouldn’t have been doing. I was acting so out of character because the guy I was with was the “cool” guy and I’m not necessarily cool myself at the time ( or now let’s be honest). I thought I had to act a certain way in order to not embarrass him, and to make sure he thought I was just as cool and stayed with me. I honestly lost who I was in the relationship. I was at odds with my family because they saw the changes long before I did and when they pointed them out, I rebelled and did the opposite of what they said to. That’s when I started to hear the first voice.

“God doesn’t love you anymore.” 

That’s what I kept hearing in my head over and over for months and eventually turned into years. I was in a horrible situation that I thought I couldn’t get out of. My family was hardly talking to me. My school life was non-existent.God clearly forgot to write my happy ending. I was at the lowest of lows. I resented God for allowing me to be in such a crappy situation.I felt utterly abandoned by the one being that is always suppose to be with me.There was no light at the end of the tunnel. Or so I thought. 

For awhile I tried to barter with Him. ” If you love me again I’ll do __”. “If you fix this I’ll stop doing __”.  To no avail, God was not negotiating with me, and I was growing angrier with Him with every unanswered offer.God was no longer had my back, I thought that I no longer needed Him. I got to the point where He wasn’t even on my radar anymore. I tried to fix it myself, which never actually works. I felt alone, hopeless, and lost with zero options to make my life right again.I spent night after night crying myself to sleep because this is not what I wanted for my life.

Plot twist: I didn’t fix it until one day things got so bad I sat there with no place left to turn and said ” ya know what God, clearly I can’t do this alone. I need you now more then ever.”

I didn’t grow up going to church, so my discussions with God were very choppy and raw, but we talked often. I didn’t know I could tell Him how furious I was with Him, but God let me know to let Him have it. So I let it fly  with out holding one thing back. The more I was honest with Him about my feelings and resentment  the closer I grew to Him and the more I learned He is faithful and can be trusted. I also learned, you can’t hurt His feelings and saying what you feel won’t make Him turn away from you .It took a very long time before I was strong enough to fix my mistakes. Cant rush fixing 2+ years worth of screw ups ammiright? Fast forward a little,once I finally fixed ties with my family , left a horrible situation, and got back to who I was is when the voices telling me He didn’t love me, finally got replaced by a new one. ( Pt 2 coming soon ). 

I’m gonna be honest; if I had kept listening to that little voice telling me God didn’t love me, I would not be the woman I am today. There is always going to be times when you feel alone, hopeless, or afraid. Heck the voices of negativity and doubt can be much louder then the good voices, but learning to filter out the truths is the only way to set yourself free from the chains your mind puts on itself.

What past voices have you heard? What replaced them? Let me know in the comments below.

If you would like me to go in depth on any part of this post, just ask. I am an open book.

XOXO Kiley

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